Parshat Ki Teizei
In this week's Torah portion we read one of the most disturbing and difficult passages of the Torah. It is the topic of the Wayward and Rebellious Son.
The Torah states (Devarim: 21: 18-21) "If a man will have a wayward and rebellious son, who does not hearken to the voice of his father and mother, and they discipline him, but he does not hearken to them". The Torah continues to tell us that the parents must bring this child to the elders of the city and make a declaration of how terrible and rebellious this child is (a glutton and drunkard etc.). The punishment is that he will be stoned, "you shall remove the evil from your midst; and all Israel shall hear and they shall fear".
What a disturbing reading! Is any child/adolescent that bad, that they should be stoned? How can the Torah even contemplate such a cruel thing? What is the point of this commandment of the Ben Sorrer Umoreh - the Rebellious Son?
The Talmud (Tractate Sanhedrin 71-72) discusses this passage at length, and provides some critical insight. Firstly, the penalty imposed on this youngster is not because of the gravity of what he did, but of the monstrous human being he will become. Second, according to this very same passage in the Talmud a "Ben Sorer Umoreh" has never happened, nor will it happen. What then is the point of reading about a concept that never happened, nor will happen?
Our sages see in this reading so many lessons about education and how we should approach guiding our children in the proper path of life. As such, we can look at this topic as a prediction of what happens when we do not approach things properly.
For example, if a child is not listening to his parents and authority and doing bad things, what will happen to them if they are not admonished and set on a proper path? What happens if both parents are not on the same page when it comes to discipline and guiding their child? What happens when there is no consistency in how we raise our children?
Perhaps, we can also recognize that sometimes we must change what we are doing. A child who is not responding to his parents and authority needs a different approach. Clearly, the warning, screaming and even threatening is not working. We need to try a different approach.
It is also telling when the Torah uses the term "our son is a glutton and drunkard" (21:21). When someone is in a state of confusion, not-self aware, and behaves in a s self-absorbed manner, they are very similar to someone who is drunk, who is stumbling around with no sense of reality or decency.
Perhaps, we need to reinterpret the narrative of these verses and read them as follows. If you see a child who is acting out, refusing to listen to authority figures, and acts with no sense of self-respect and decency, SOUND THE ALARM! Do not let them become a wayward and rebellious child. Get them help NOW!
We are blessed to live in an era where mental health has become readily accessible and socially acceptable. It is not that long ago when speaking to a psychologist or therapist was deemed quacky. Today, thank G-d, we know so much better. The mental health professionals in our communities are providing life-saving treatment, and helping our children become healthy, productive and spiritual children. They are a gift and we must work together, parents/teachers/mental health providers, to raise our children in the most healthy and positive manner.
We indeed have the power to make sure that no child ever becomes a Ben Sorrer Umoreh. We just have to be willing to not fool ourselves and ask for help or intervention when we see it is necessary.
May Hashem help us be the best parents and educators we can be.
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Y. Marrus
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