Face to Face Relationships - Vayigash

Face to Face Relationships

Parshat Vayigash

In this week's Parshah of Vayigash, the Torah recounts the standoff between Yehudah and Yosef. Yosef, the viceroy of Egypt, had accused Binyamin of being a thief after the royal goblet was found in his bag. As such, he was subject to a life of imprisonment and hardship. Yehudah, the guardian, and one responsible for Binyamin,  had promised his father Yackov, that he would protect him at all costs. 

The portion opens with the words (Bereishis 44:18)
"ויגש אליו יהודה.. כי כמוך כפרעה - And Yehudah approached him... for you are like Pharaoh". 

The Midrash teaches us that Yehudah chose his words very carefully as he approached Yosef for this final "conflict resolution discussion". This was a face-to-face, frank discussion, that had huge ramifications for all parties involved. He begins with polite introductions, platitudes, and then continues with a heartfelt plea for Binyamin who was the  youngest son of an elderly father in Canaan. Then Yehudah gets down to brass-knuckle tactics. He threatens Yosef and Pharaoh, and is ready to fight and wage war, and if need be, have himself killed in the process of defending his brother.

This is the moment when Yehuda and his brothers are ready to risk their lives to protect Binyamin, and also to complete their Teshuvah (repentance) for having sold Yosef into slavery and not protecting him at all. Indeed, they pass this test with flying colors and the twelve brothers, the tribes of Israel, are finally reunited.

The question still remains however, what went wrong? Why did the brothers not appreciate or value Yosef and his dreams? Why was Yosef not able to communicate or show his brothers that he was not threatening the family hierarchy or trying to destroy the family?

In today's flurry of distant interactions through Facebooking, Instagram, emailing and texting, we are lacking in our face to face relationships and friendships. The recent pandemic underscored this even more. Perhaps, Yehuda's face to face plea and discussion with Yosef is a lesson of how we can better our relationships by focusing on interpersonal and face to face relationships. While we may sometimes have differences of opinion, view points and more, the ability to discuss, share and even disagree in a friendly manner is an art our society has clearly lost.

So too, with our children and family members, nothing can replace the face to face smiles, conversations and sometimes difficult discussions that we must have. The key is keep it close. Keep it personal. Keep it face to face.

Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Y. Marrus 

The Flame - Miketz (Chanukah)

The Flame
Parshat Miketz-Chanukah

Have you ever gazed at the flame of your Chanukiya? The to and fro, the strange mystic, orange glow within the flame? What secrets does it reveal to you? What if the flame could speak? What would it say to you?

This week's parshah Miketz, speaks of Pharaoh's dreams; the seven skinny cows and seven fat cows and then, seven skinny ears of corn and the seven fat ears of corn. The skinny cows and ears swallowed up the fat cows, and they remained as skinny as if they had eaten nothing at all. The Torah also tells us, how Yosef was finally released from bondage as he stood before Pharaoh.

We also celebrate this week Chanukah- the holiday of lighting flames.  What possibly, is the connection between these dreams, freedom and flames?

Let us try to imagine Yosef's thoughts and feelings while he languished in prison. Let us put ourselves in the shoes of the Chashmonai family-the Maccabees, greatly outnumbered, with practically no chance of survival, against a superior and might Greek army.

The despair, pain, depression, and feeling of hopelessness. The sense that life is bleak, and will never get better, and "what's the point of it all anyway?".

Can you relate?

In life, we all have our good times, "the fat cows". We also have our difficult moments, "the skinny cows". In fact, it usually seems that the bad times are so crippling, so destructive, that we almost forget that good times ever existed, just like the fat cows that were swallowed up in the dream.

That's probably how Yosef felt all those years in prison. That's how the Maccabees felt for so long. And that is how you and I may feel at times.

But then, there is the flame. It never stops. It moves back and forth. It changes color. It tell us, don't give up! Don't throw in the towel! The "fat cows will reappear" and freedom and redemption will be yours.

"Listen to the flame" said Rabbi Yosef Yitzchak of Lubavitch, Its actually quite inspiring.

Shabbat Shalom and Chag Sameach

The Three Voices of Chanukah

The Three Voices of Chanukah
While the majority of historical knowledge about Chanukah comes from the ancient book of Maccabees, the Talmud also discusses (Tractate Shabbat 22b) the laws and history of this special holiday.

Of course, paramount among the traditions was the finding of the flask of oil with seal of the high priest, and the subsequent lighting of the Menorah. It miraculously burned for eight days, until new olive oil was brought.

This article draws attention to three different Chanukah stories found in the Talmud and Shulchan Aruch (Code of Jewish Law) that provides a unique perspective into this holiday.

1. The Men's War:
The prayer Al Hanisim (that is recited throughout Chanukah in the Amidah and Birkat Hamazon) focuses on the miraculous victory of the Hasmoneans Kohanim (priests) against the powerful Syrian-Greeks and their ruler King Antiyochus Epiphenes. This story focuses on the men who fought in those battles, their bravery and self-sacrifice, and the miracle they experienced through the victory of the war.

2: A Woman's Courage:
Our sages also recounted the story of Yehudit, daughter of Yochanan Kohen Gadol (High Priest), who through her courage, brought salvation for the Jews. The Greeks had decreed that all Jewish women were to present themselves prior to marriage to the commanding general, to be violated first. Yehudit feigned interest in the general to gain access, proceeded to feed him dairy delicacies, and when he grew thirsty fed him wine until he fell asleep. She then killed him and brought his head to Jerusalem. This heroic act caused great panic and confusion amongst the enemy, which led to the downfall of the Greeks. This second story focuses on the courage of Jewish women, and their specific contribution to the victory of the holiday.


3. Children's Sacrifice
Finally, we are told of the moving story of Chana and her seven sons. King Antiochus had decreed that everyone was to worship his idols. As a result of their refusal to bow down to idols and conform to the idol worshiping practices, Chana and her children were brought before Antiochus. He demanded that they bow to him under the penalty of death. One by one, her innocent children refused, and in turn, were murdered by the dictator.

When Chana's youngest child was brought before the king, he had a smidgen of compassion for the young boy. The king said, "I will settle my ring down to the floor, just bend down and pick it up. You will be essentially picking up the ring not bowing to me". The child staunchly refused to bow down in any shape or fashion before the king, and sadly experienced the same cruel fate as his brothers. In one of the greatest acts of self sacrifice in Jewish history, Chana watched all of her children slaughtered, for refusing to give up their faith.  This story brings to the fore the role and sacrifice of children in the story of Chanukah.

Perhaps, the reason that we are told these three specific stories, each one focusing on a different demographic of our people, is so we can  properly appreciate and celebrate Hanukkah. Chanukah is not a holiday for one gender or specific class of people. It isn't an adults-only party, but rather, a holiday that brings the entire community together, the entire family, in celebration of the miracles that Hashem did for us.

It is for this very reason that we are told then we must light the Chanukah lights "when other people are around", because when we are not celebrating with each component of our community, we are lacking in the essence of this precious holiday.*

Chag Sameach - Happy Chanukah!
May the candles burn brightly and be an inspiration to all of the world, Amen.

* If there is no one else around it is a Halchachic dilemma whether one may recite a blessing or not.

Am I My Brother's Keeper? - Vayeshev

Am I My Brother's Keeper?
Parshat Vayeshev

This week's Torah portion of Vayeshev creates issues. Not only issues between Yosef and his siblings, but issues about our forefather Yaakov's parenting skills.

The portion relates how Yaakov "loved" Yosef more that all of his other children and therefore made him a special coat of many colors. The brothers resented this special treatment and were in turn full of hatred and anger towards Yosef. The sold him into slavery, one of the ugliest moments in Jewish history.

Often, when my kids want to make an obvious point, they use the very sophisticated phrase " DUH!" This  is the feeling most of us have when reading this portion. Firstly, what exactly was Yaakov thinking? Second, did he really expect any other outcome other than bigotry and hatred? Even a less than perfect parent knows that favoritism towards one child destroys the sense of love, confidence and self-worth of the other children!

As with all the stories and episodes of the Torah, this story teaches us a powerful and valuable lesson.
Our forefather Yaakov was not a dysfunctional dad or an out to lunch parent. He's was very much in touch with his children and loved them all, completely. He not only appreciated each of his many children, but also celebrated their uniqueness and their G-d given abilities. Yaakov looked at each child not as "another kiddo" but as a unique human being that was endowed by the creator with something special, that no other person had.

In Yosef case, this was his gift of royalty and nobility. So Yaakov gave him extra "royal clothes" to support his uniqueness. Yaakov hoped that the brothers would be mature and sensitive enough to be able to celebrate their brothers special gift, as a modern family would get behind and support their sibling who had a special athletic talent and made it to the Olympics. The brothers alas, were too consumed by hatred and jealousy to be able to celebrate the talent of their kid brother.

This portion teaches us an important lesson- celebrate the talents your children and siblings have. Don't be petty and jealous. Support them and their dreams. Recognize that they are only trying to bring their G-d given talents to fruition.

Shabbat Shalom

Facing Your Fears - Vayishlach

Facing Your Fears

Parshat Vayishlach

Everyone has fears. Most will admit it. Some will do their utmost to hide it. Those who are foolish will sweep it under the rug. 

What advice does Judaism give on how to deal with our fears and challenges?

In this week's Torah portion of Vayishlach, we read how our forefather Jacob had to face his greatest nemesis and fear, his brother Esav (Esau). Jacob was not a child or a petty teenager. He was a husband to four, father of 12, a wealthy millionaire, and perhaps most importantly, had already faced many challenges and difficulties and emerged victorious. 

The Torah describes his plan to deal with Esav in a very detailed and meticulous manner. As with all the stories of the Torah, this servos as a lesson and teaching to us, his children.

First,  Yakov would make overtures of peace and self-nullification. He would send monetary gifts with warm words and accolades to soften his brother. He would not be boastful or egotistic. He would do everything necessary to make it work; provided that security was provided.

Second, he prepared for the worst; war. He made an emergency plan and had all the necessary resources, and arms to defend his family and deal with crises. 

Third, he prayed. Not some meaningless words said by rote. But a deep, meaningful and empowering prayer to the ruler of the universe.

Yakov then faces Esav empowered, secure and grounded. 

So too, in life when we face challenges, we must learn from this important lesson on the Torah. First, we must do everything to defuse the situation. Second, we must prepare for the worst and make a solid plan for providing for ourselves and our loved ones, with security, dealing with our challenges (financially, psychologically, and emotionally) and overcoming the obstacles. And finally, we must have a deep, meaningful and inspiring relationship with Hashem.

This ensures our success, as with our forefather Jacob.

Shabbat Shalom.